The old adage used to be that you were financially responsible for your children at age 18, after which time they became legal adults and financially responsible for themselves. Years ago, many teens couldn’t wait for their independence so they could move out and strike out on their own.
Now, many parents continue to provide their children with financial assistance in some form throughout their college education, and often beyond. With an estimated 13.4% of adult children ages 24 to 35 living at home with their parents (Calculated Risk) and many more who are living on their own but still receiving financial assistance from their parents, the question is, when should parents stop paying for their grown children’s expenses?
What Expenses Are Parents Paying?
Jodie is a twenty-six year old woman who has a college education and is employed full-time. She married young and went through a painful divorce. After the divorce, she was saddled with thousands of dollars of credit card debt that her ex-husband charged during the end of their marriage, unbeknownst to her. Her parents pay her car payment and car insurance as well as one of her credit cards. Jodie’s mother is in a job that causes her tremendous stress, but she cannot quit or retire early because she has sacrificed fully funding her retirement savings to help support Jodie throughout her adulthood, even when Jodie was married.
Unfortunately, this case is a common one. Increasingly, the line is blurred between childhood dependence and adult independence. The National Endowment for Financial Education revealed in a May, 2011 poll that “59% of parents are providing, or have in the past provided, financial support to their adult children when they are no longer in school.” Furthermore, the survey revealed the most common expenses where parents provide financial support:
“Parents are providing support in many ways:
- 50% are providing housing
- 48% are helping with living expenses
- 41% are aiding with transportation costs
- 35% are providing insurance coverage
- 29% are handing out spending money
- 28% are helping with medical bills”
What Is the Cost Of Generosity For Parents
As is the case with Jodie’s mother, the survey reveals that parents provide financial assistance to their adult children at a hefty price.
According to Ted Beck, president and CEO of the National Endowment for Financial Education, “If you are taking on extra debt or delaying retirement to help your adult child, you could be making a mistake and putting your own financial future in jeopardy.”
Financial experts recommend that parents should fully fund their retirement before saving for their child’s college expenses. Certainly saving for retirement should take precedence over helping a child meet living expenses, especially if the adult child is short on cash because of poor life choices or lack of drive in his or her career.
How To Handle Your Adult Child’s Request For Money
Often, the best way to handle an adult’s child’s request for money is to set the groundwork for financial independence when they are young. While it may be tempting to continue to pay for your child’s expenses during college and beyond, young adulthood may be the time to send them out on their own financially. If you are going to pay for a portion of their college education, clearly outline for them what you will help pay for, and what you will not. You may encourage your child to get a job during college to offset some of their living expenses.
If your child finds herself in a financial bind in adulthood such as Jodie did when she got divorced, you may consider helping them out, but let him or her know it is one-time assistance. After that, difficult as it may be, you probably should let them handle their own finances and suffer the consequences. As tough-talking financial coach Gail Vaz-Oxlade says, “I don’t care how much you love your son or daughter. Adults do not have the right to mooch off their parents because the alternative is hard. If your kids have chosen to stay in school for a decade, why do they get to have all the benefits of your (hard working) life while they are students? And if they’re old enough to bring another life into the world, they’re old enough to put a roof over their own heads, and food in that baby’s belly. Enough with the coddling.” (gailvaz-oxlade) Sometimes suffering the consequences is the best way to learn not to make the mistake again.
Finally, while much has been written about the financial consequences to parents for continuing to pay for their adult children, not much has been written about the emotional consequences. While Jodie’s mother loves her very much, every day that she has to go to a job she doesn’t like, she feels resentment both to herself for enabling Jodie and to Jodie for taking advantage of her. Allowing your adult children to be financially independent can allow you to restore your own relationship with them.
This is such an important subject, and I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment. As a parent, I feel it is my job to raise my children to be independent and able to provide for themselves when they leave home. I see far too many 20 somethings leaning on their parents financially, and yet they have the latest technology, nice cars, etc. at the expense of their parents’ financial stability. We all make mistakes and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t help our kids when they need it, but there is a difference between temporary assistance and never ending handouts.
This can definitely be a tricky topic. I’ve seen it handled in many ways. For instance, my parents helped me and my brother out when we went back to school, but they don’t help out when we make manageable financial mistakes. I know that my parents will help if I ever got into a crisis, but I also know that there might come a day when I need to help them, too. Isn’t that what family is all about? Standing by each other?
I use to think that, and I’ve been helping since I was 13 years old off and on. Presently I’m debating whether I want to pay my mom’s IRS bill of $1200. She had some casino winnings she never filed, and interest from a charge off. It’s really stressing me out though, because I told my mom as a young girl to get a real job, quit working under the table so you’ll have retirement pay.
I think a lot comes down to preparing your children while they are still in high school. At some point you need to stop giving them allowance and insist they get a part time or summer job if they need spending money. Then they build pride in being to take care of themselves and they appreciate money more. If they are babied the whole time they are living with parents, it is only natural for them to expect that to continue later in life.
In my opinion its been this way and was expected by families up until around early 2000 s and somewhere along the line children don’t work at all and after they graduate high school they don’t go to college. The highlight for high school graduates now a days becomes multiple blue collar jobs that don’t last longer than 3 months at a time while their parents pay their car insurance on the car the child never spent a dime on, and their cell phone bill. Meanwhile the parents don’t have their own bills paid for. I see this from many people and it gets me upset and angry. If your child doesn’t have a Jo while they are in their 12 grade in highschool, my opinion from experience is that young adult has a great chance of mooching even into their 20s on parents and even ungreatfuly expressing feelings of having to pay anyone money to stay anywhere. Helpful advice for 12 th graders: Get a part time job, save money, then go to college or at least get your own place at 18. College would be your ultimate best move. I hope our young adults get the “want” to live on their own again. I remember saving while in school and working in 10th grade. One can hope.
My parents havent helped me with any of those things. After 18, I was on my own – lived on my own, paid my own bills, tuition, groceries, everything. Even before I was 18 the only things my mom paid for was groceries. I don’t think there is any hard and fast rules – it’s personal to the family in question.
We have 7 children, 3 left home already. 1 of the 4 at home is of age (18) & she pays 25% of her income to us for her room & board. They know once of age they are expected to provide for themselves altho’ we will help the ones that are in a crisis.
This is a helpful post. It’s important to establish when enough is enough, whether the child is 3 months, 3 years–or 30. That involves clarifying when it’s time to stop paying for your adult child’s expenses. I’ve been doing some research into how to deal with adult children who’ve been in the lap of privelege and haven’t learned when enough is enough. Some helpful ideas for readers might be at http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/fixing-well-just-fix-it-for-you-letting-your-children-be-adults-walking-the-walk/. Thanks for broaching this topic. Candida
Where in the bible can I find verses on the subject.
thank you
Depending on the reasons for the kids not paying their own way, there are verses that you can look to for many different situations. But I believe we’re called on to raise our kids up in God’s word and raise them the right way, to teach them the value of hard work, and not to allow them to be spoiled.
I have a 70 year old friend who has given many thousands of $ over the years to her 37 year old son who has a live in girlfriend and daughter. He has lost several vehicles to the repo man, has been evicted several times, has had his electric turned off numerous times over the years. He uses my friend’s granddaughter as a threat. If she doesn’t fork over money for whatever he claims he needs to pay, then there are threats she can’t see her granddaughter, or “you don’t love your granddaughter”. My friend threatens to stop giving them money because she has her own expenses to deal with, yet in the end always knuckles under and gives them money to pay the water bill, electric or whatever they claim they need it for. She admits they are probably using the money they earn to party, buy drugs and get drunk. I told her that she is in effect subsidizing their partying life. The latest outrageous thing they have talked her into is driving each of them to work, because neither of their vehicles are working. She has to drive 9 miles each way to get to their house and then drive them 2 miles to their places of employment. Given their irresponsible record with money, paying someone to fix at least one of their vehicles won’t happen any time soon and they obviously expect grandma to be their permanent cabbie. She is angry about it, but doesn’t have the guts to refuse to do it. I told her that those two are perfectly capable of walking that distance, or that they should go to the thrift store, buy a used bike and ride that to work. You have to wonder what these two dead beats will do when grandma is dead and gone.
That’s not unbelievable, but truly sad they do that to her. Shame on them for threatening her with her granddaughter. SMH :( There’s a book called Bounderies by Dr. Henry Cloud she should read.
Karen I agree with you. I have 4 biological children, 1 girl and 4 boys, and one child that I adopted and raised from age 6. He is now 25. He has a disability. My biological children are all healthy and able body citizens.. It is a sad thing when you have worked hard to see your children through high school, sent them to colleges that only one went and was successful in going. the rest work some and then stop. I reach out to help all of them in whatever it is that they need but it looks like they don’t want to become independent children. They are age 40, 36, 32, and 27. It seems like the more I try to do to help them become independent the more they depend on me. I am so tired. I provide not only for them but their children as well. I realize that I have actually enabled them. My daughter was left by her husband and she has 2 children and I still help them because she don’t have no other help, but what should I do? All I want is to see them do good for themselves and their children and live happy productive lives. I sometimes feel that I want more for them than they want for themselves?
I try to give my girlfriend this advise for her 25 year old son that also has a kid and lives in a apartment that she pays everything and goes to visit once a week. Even then he asks her for money for cigarettes and junk food and she gives it to him. He pays zero bills and has a bull$hit part time job, he spends it all on junk he does not need.
Anytime I try to say its time to start cutting the cord, she takes it as a personal attack. I get tired of her telling me how depressed he is and how hard his life is because his wife left him. How do I get her to realize that she is not helping him, just harming him??? If I felt he was trying hard to help himself I would help even. Any suggestions ??
Obviously you love her to deal with the bull crap. Give her an ultimatum…continue to rob yourself of investing into a Roth Ira for your retirement, and just have your son move in or become one with me as my wife and we can both invest 15% after we are out of debt and have 3 to 6 months of expenses saved.
I have seen way too many situations where the adult children are just milking the parents so they have enough of their money to blow on expensive cell phones, cars, nights out, etc. In my opinion if the adult child digs the hole he or she needs to deal with it. Once they are over 18 your not required to support them so just say NO.
My son is an 18yr old recovering meth addict. My husband and I bought him a portable building and put it beside us. He’s a hard worker but is in pipeline so he’s without a job for a few months. He paid his truck note a few months in advance but we are stuck paying insurance and building note. He’s often disrespectful to me and causes me lots of stress. I always threaten to make him leave but scared he’s going to go back to where he used to live, back to a meth house. What do I do about this constant worry?
This article was on target…not for me, but my significant other! I see first-hand the father providing the never ending handouts to his 41 yr old daughter who has said…”don’t put that on me” when asked if she would move back to the area to care for her father if need be! Spoiled, ungrateful woman ~ and not entirely her fault, true. She is earning almost as much as her father…yet, he has saved money since working as a bus boy at the age of 15! She, on the other hand, saves nothing, indeed blows money on stupid things ~ like tuition for a massage school certificat…because she knew everything, she could do massages on Vets and get paid from insurance…NOT! Daddy felt bad because she had a loan ~ so, he said, I’ll pay half of it ~ even though she didn’t listen to his advice. It is disgusting!
As a mother of a 21 year old full time student daughter, my intuition is to provide her basic needs. This includes tuition and dorm. She had a dining card the first two years and now she has a partial dining card. She’s sick of the cafeteria. I just stopped paying for her food beyond the cafeteria. Myself and several other family members give her cash gifts at the holidays. She works part time now and full time in the summer. She’s happy and I don’t resent her and she’s the best version of herself. Yay!